Monday, May 14, 2012

Self Reflection

I’ve been thinking a bit about my feelings over what I wrote yesterday. I don’t think I was in quite the right submissive frame of mind. Yes, it is good that I am honest with Sir about how I feel about the punishment affecting my adherence to the bedtime rule. But even with being realistic and knowing that being late again is bound to happen eventually, my response and feelings were very antagonistic and not very submissive to him at all. I should be thinking more of how I can help myself to keep to the rule better. Not be flippant and cavalier over it.

I don’t think that in a submissive sense putting my want (not need) to stay up to connect with a friend was really necessary. It was NOT something that couldn’t have waited, but at the time it did seem urgent, and I was depressed about our visit ending and not seeing her until who knows when. But it’s not forever, and something like that shouldn't have priority over my choice to submit to Sir. Especially over a rule that’s expressly there for my benefit. I’ve been so much more calm, happy, and able to deal with stress since getting adequate sleep.

I’m trying to better myself and my submission to Sir. I’m also trying to accept the type of dominance he desires to give, while still letting him know of my desires and needs. It’s not all about me. I don’t want to be the submissive that’s telling the Dirty Old Man exactly what to do and the like. I admit, I can be cantankerous at times, and I reign that in as best as possible with Sir. But this weekend I didn’t even text him goodnight (which is part of my bedtime rule). He let it slide. Part of me is grateful, for I truly have had a lot of my plate, but on the other hand, I still feel like I should be made accountable for it, besides him just letting me know verbally that he DID notice. I mentioned to him that I could add more to my paper, which was just one paragraph shy of a full 5 pages, but he rejected that idea. Which I suppose I should just be happy about; and quit over-analyzing.

On a positive note, just him letting me know that he did notice (even though not messaging him was not premeditated on my part) did give me a bit of a thrill, and helped me to feel put in my place. I need to be reminded that I am being looked after and kept in check.

Also, I was thinking a bit more about my difficulty with completely parting with my pants and fully embracing ladies clothing 24/7. I believe I’ve gotten to the heart of my reluctance. It is about appearances. Although I do enjoy feeling pretty and put-together, and I want to be attractive for Sir (though he'd likely say something to the effect of "you're always attractive!"), I realized that I tend to judge other females that I put into the “girly girl” box in my mind. I realize it’s not the right thing to do, but I do it. And I think a part of me is afraid to be seen as that “girly girl” that I so despise. I tend to think of typically feminine characteristics and stereotypes as negative. Though intellectually I know otherwise, I lump ultra girly girls in with other qualities besides feminine dress. Such as: shallow, vapid, nasty, uncaring for their surroundings, overly emotional, illogical, weak, unintelligent, unaware, self-centered, talkative, etc. And I don’t wish to be seen that way myself, and I’m afraid that my dress will play a role in that, especially in my role as an educator and one that works in the natural world. The two personalities don’t always jive with each other well, and I’m not sure how to be both. I’m sure it will come with time, and I don’t feel this way about my way of dress every minute of every day, but I’ve been thinking about it more as I work my outdoors job more. I suppose I can just take it “One Day at a Time”.

4 comments:

  1. I have a hard time with the 'girly girl' thing myself. I lump them in as you do. Then I feel bad lol cause I know it's not all true.

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    1. I do feel bad about that! I know that not EVERY feminine girl has those qualities, and I've met many lovely specimens. I've also met many awful specimens and I don't want to be lumped in with the rest of them!

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  2. I don't get punished - if I'm unable to do something, he finds another way. Because, as he puts it: I want you to submit to me of your own sheer will - not because I force you to submit.
    I will take all, he says, eventually, but it will be my way - not yours.

    Quite frustrating..

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    Replies
    1. I think its not a matter of unable - I never get punished if something is out of my hands, not my fault, or because I am incapable of doing something. But if its something I am capable of and responsible for... and then I choose not to do it, or am forgetful... what then?

      I think things should be more his way, and not mine, but I do like to help him by sending articles, and being honest about things I find interesting.

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