Lately I can feel some things ripping at the seams. I've been testing Sir, and I've been a bit neglectful. This weekend, we've holed ourselves up at a hotel in Brooklyn (we only left thus far to use the Broadway tickets I gave him for Valentine's Day), and I think it's been mostly good. We had a lot of time to talk. We do see each other, but sometimes there is just no privacy. Things have been slowly building up inside me, and at the root of it was me just feeling like Sir really needed to step it up. In his life, in our relationship, and in D/s. I felt that he's just not putting any forethought into anything. He wasn't planning. And I would end up frustrated and feeling a bit hurt. I put a LOT of effort into Valentine's Day, and Sir ... didn't. I think this was the event that really got me thinking about things that had been brewing for weeks. And it's not about "things", it's about feeling. I was hurt that I felt we weren't putting the same effort into it. Even in our D/s side of things; he doesn't plan things out. Sometimes that's okay. And sometimes it's not. I had a horrific panic attack a few weeks ago because he tried something too intense, too early. Or for setting up goals and rules. Without any forethought and planning, how can we figure out where this is going and how to get there? I enjoy "play" - but we both know we want more than that.
A plus for him, since I don't want this to be "Bash Sir Hour" - he finally organized his rope, which was good. It was starting to irk me that this equipment was such a mess. Though I suppose to help with that, we could develop a ritual for me to put these away... and I'll have to mention that soon for the future. It's just that at the root of all of this... I suppose it's really hard to take someone seriously when they're not taking themselves seriously, or the relationship seriously. It's not to say that I don't want to be with Sir, because that's not it at all. I just think that we really have to work harder to attain the things and the relationship that we want.
I'm not immune from this either. I am NOT the subbiest of subs. I am a very outgoing, outspoken, demanding person, and through the years I've worked hard to be so. I would typically chew a guy up and spit him out, or be quite demanding and bossy. But I realized that it doesn't make me happy. I am happiest when I am being "kept in check" so to speak. I am happier when trying to put someone else above myself. My non-submissive nature outside our relationship is one of the reasons I was reluctant to talk about this - I didn't want it to seem like I was trying to "top from the bottom". I don't want to tell Sir what to do. I just saw that these things really weren't working, and I was getting upset about it. I know that I am happier when having certain controls taken away by him, and not by me, even if they're difficult and I'll rebel against them.
For example, my new dress code. I LOVE this dress code. Sir enjoys it. It's good for my self esteem. It's good for us. However, I've not been keeping to it 100%. I try, but sometimes it's difficult if you've not yet got the proper wardrobe. It would honestly be a lot easier to maintain if I didn't even OWN a pair of pants. But that's not entirely practical. And I have a really hard time getting rid of things. I was very proud of myself two weeks ago. I got rid of a pair of pants. I felt like I was taking a great step into being more of who we want me to be. But this week, I had a job interview, and it occurred to me that I only own one suit, and it's a pantsuit. And another day this week I threw on some pants for work because I was running late and they were there and it was easy. But it would be just as easy to throw on a dress. So I need to make more of an effort there.
Friday night, I willfully stayed up past my bedtime. I knew I should have slept earlier, but I didn't. Sir and I don't have too many rules as of yet, but that's a big one. I had work in the morning, and I just ignored the rule to watch a movie with my roommate and then read a book. As such, I had to pay. When this came up, Sir and I were in bed in the hotel room. He decided my punishment was to sleep on the floor. Without him. This is actually a super effective punishment for me. I HATE being on that cold unforgiving floor, away from him. That's the worst part - knowing that he's three feet above me, but I can't be with him. It was really hard on him too - about ten minutes in he was willing to let me back into bed. I felt though, that I hadn't "paid" enough, and requested to be let back in after an hour was up. If he goes too easy on me, or if I go too easy on myself, I don't learn. Sir said that the next time it occurs, it will be the whole night. I hope I learned my lesson. I also hope that requesting to extend a punishment doesn't become a habit. I warred with asking about it. I should have been thankful that Sir was lenient, but inside, I didn't think that would help us in the long run. So I tried a different tactic. I suppose Sir could have told me no, and that I should get my butt back in bed that instant, but I'm also glad he saw the sense in my request.
I just find that I am thinking more about testing him lately. Wondering what he will do if I do something. It's not something I used to think about as much. I think in the next few weeks I shall be keeping Sir on his toes, so to speak.
All in all, Sir's been very good to me, and I to him, but we're both human, and these things happen. I'm just glad that we can at least talk about it. We're having an otherwise nice weekend, and I hope it continues tomorrow!