I almost didn't post this week. It was a very near thing. Bedtime is looming up on me, and I still have so much to so. I was sitting here thinking about my choices, and I nearly chose to forgo my weekly assignment, and to take whatever punishment Sir required, in order to make bed on time. Nearly.
Sometimes there are just not enough hours in a day or in a week. But I can give this 5 minutes of my attention, satisfy Sir's requirements, and reflect on the choices I can make to be of better service and to follow his simple rules.
Sir is quite good to me, and I owe it to him, and to myself to figure out how to accomplish things and manage my time better.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Lately I can feel some things ripping at the seams. I've been testing Sir, and I've been a bit neglectful. This weekend, we've holed ourselves up at a hotel in Brooklyn (we only left thus far to use the Broadway tickets I gave him for Valentine's Day), and I think it's been mostly good. We had a lot of time to talk. We do see each other, but sometimes there is just no privacy. Things have been slowly building up inside me, and at the root of it was me just feeling like Sir really needed to step it up. In his life, in our relationship, and in D/s. I felt that he's just not putting any forethought into anything. He wasn't planning. And I would end up frustrated and feeling a bit hurt. I put a LOT of effort into Valentine's Day, and Sir ... didn't. I think this was the event that really got me thinking about things that had been brewing for weeks. And it's not about "things", it's about feeling. I was hurt that I felt we weren't putting the same effort into it. Even in our D/s side of things; he doesn't plan things out. Sometimes that's okay. And sometimes it's not. I had a horrific panic attack a few weeks ago because he tried something too intense, too early. Or for setting up goals and rules. Without any forethought and planning, how can we figure out where this is going and how to get there? I enjoy "play" - but we both know we want more than that.
A plus for him, since I don't want this to be "Bash Sir Hour" - he finally organized his rope, which was good. It was starting to irk me that this equipment was such a mess. Though I suppose to help with that, we could develop a ritual for me to put these away... and I'll have to mention that soon for the future. It's just that at the root of all of this... I suppose it's really hard to take someone seriously when they're not taking themselves seriously, or the relationship seriously. It's not to say that I don't want to be with Sir, because that's not it at all. I just think that we really have to work harder to attain the things and the relationship that we want.
I'm not immune from this either. I am NOT the subbiest of subs. I am a very outgoing, outspoken, demanding person, and through the years I've worked hard to be so. I would typically chew a guy up and spit him out, or be quite demanding and bossy. But I realized that it doesn't make me happy. I am happiest when I am being "kept in check" so to speak. I am happier when trying to put someone else above myself. My non-submissive nature outside our relationship is one of the reasons I was reluctant to talk about this - I didn't want it to seem like I was trying to "top from the bottom". I don't want to tell Sir what to do. I just saw that these things really weren't working, and I was getting upset about it. I know that I am happier when having certain controls taken away by him, and not by me, even if they're difficult and I'll rebel against them.
For example, my new dress code. I LOVE this dress code. Sir enjoys it. It's good for my self esteem. It's good for us. However, I've not been keeping to it 100%. I try, but sometimes it's difficult if you've not yet got the proper wardrobe. It would honestly be a lot easier to maintain if I didn't even OWN a pair of pants. But that's not entirely practical. And I have a really hard time getting rid of things. I was very proud of myself two weeks ago. I got rid of a pair of pants. I felt like I was taking a great step into being more of who we want me to be. But this week, I had a job interview, and it occurred to me that I only own one suit, and it's a pantsuit. And another day this week I threw on some pants for work because I was running late and they were there and it was easy. But it would be just as easy to throw on a dress. So I need to make more of an effort there.
Friday night, I willfully stayed up past my bedtime. I knew I should have slept earlier, but I didn't. Sir and I don't have too many rules as of yet, but that's a big one. I had work in the morning, and I just ignored the rule to watch a movie with my roommate and then read a book. As such, I had to pay. When this came up, Sir and I were in bed in the hotel room. He decided my punishment was to sleep on the floor. Without him. This is actually a super effective punishment for me. I HATE being on that cold unforgiving floor, away from him. That's the worst part - knowing that he's three feet above me, but I can't be with him. It was really hard on him too - about ten minutes in he was willing to let me back into bed. I felt though, that I hadn't "paid" enough, and requested to be let back in after an hour was up. If he goes too easy on me, or if I go too easy on myself, I don't learn. Sir said that the next time it occurs, it will be the whole night. I hope I learned my lesson. I also hope that requesting to extend a punishment doesn't become a habit. I warred with asking about it. I should have been thankful that Sir was lenient, but inside, I didn't think that would help us in the long run. So I tried a different tactic. I suppose Sir could have told me no, and that I should get my butt back in bed that instant, but I'm also glad he saw the sense in my request.
I just find that I am thinking more about testing him lately. Wondering what he will do if I do something. It's not something I used to think about as much. I think in the next few weeks I shall be keeping Sir on his toes, so to speak.
All in all, Sir's been very good to me, and I to him, but we're both human, and these things happen. I'm just glad that we can at least talk about it. We're having an otherwise nice weekend, and I hope it continues tomorrow!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Last week when I did not get myself to bed on time, I wondered what would happen. I thought that perhaps Sir would decide that nothing would happen and he would forgive me, which happens more often that I think is good for our relationship.
At the end of our date last week, he let me know that he did NOT forget and he HAS to do something about it. Sir really does NOT like punishing me. It seems like having to punish me is like a punishment for him. And I can see that; it’s not something he relishes having to do just as I don’t typically revel in behaving badly. However, it sometimes seems like he sees it as a chore. And perhaps it is but in the type of relationship we have it’s a necessary chore. Each chore is different and one can enjoy one’s chores (for example, I really enjoy vacuuming). It’s not that I want him to LIKE punishing me, but this weekend, as we were talking about things, we both agreed that Sir “needs to be more ready with a punishment” (his words). Perhaps if we were more prepared, it wouldn’t be something that hangs over our heads; it would flow more naturally.
I sat there nervously awaiting his decision. Laughter incessantly bubbled up from down in my gut and continuously escaped my lips. I don’t know why I do this. Oftentimes, when I make a gaffe my body will find it to be ultra-hilarious and I will laugh uncontrollably even though I know it makes me seem like I’m not taking the situation seriously. I need to work on changing this.
Sir finally made a decision that surprised me. He let me know that he was warring with two options – both involving a change in bedtime for that night. He toyed with the idea of keeping me up until 3 am – as a reminder of why exactly I have a bedtime and what I was like before I actually got sleep each night (he also told me he has seen a great improvement in my mental health and state of being since I’ve had a bedtime). However, he decided instead that my bedtime would essentially be as immediate as possible upon my return home. He didn’t want to undo the progress I’ve been making and upset all the good stability that he’s worked to instill in me.
I think that Sir definitely tried to make the punishment fit the crime – something that I certainly appreciate and support. Creativity is key. When I got home, I got into bed as soon as I could. This was around 9:30 pm. I had to shut off all the lights. I had to shut off the television. Even my cat couldn’t be compelled to sit with me. And so I stared at the ceiling. And stared. And stared. Oddly enough, I couldn’t fall asleep until 11 pm, my normal bedtime. So for 90 minutes, I had time to reflect. Is this effective? Is it fitting? I suppose it’s fitting. I’m not sure what would have been worse – being kept up, or being forced to stay abed. If awake, I might have gotten things done (it would be difficult to stay awake and not have some sort of task), but I would be feeling it the next day, like I used to. But I did not enjoy laying there awake, either. Sir also instructed me that if I woke early I was to stay in bed until my normal waking time, which did apply. I suppose that I should be grateful that he’s set a reasonable time for me and I am a bit. But I wouldn’t expect anything less from Sir. He always does his utmost to make decisions and rules to help me and us. To send me to bed every night at 9:30 pm would make it very difficult for me to get things done, so while I am grateful, I am also proud also that he takes care to think of what is realistic for me and us. I could sleep at 9, and then wake quite early to get things done, but that’s not so practical. I think I appreciate the time chosen more now; I think I took his decision for granted.
Being that he also let me stay up late to go to a game and dinner this week, I think I appreciate that bedtime more as well. And as such, I’ll be off to meet it!
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Yet I didn’t go to bed on time. I have been late before, once. Three minutes. I wasn’t being absentminded or willfully disobedient; it just took me longer to get ready for some reason. But yesterday I was 16 minutes late. And it was entirely my fault. I finished writing a blog post with time to spare. Instead of going to bed, I thought I would respond to something my aunt said on Facebook. It was something that got me fired up and honestly, I probably should have just sucked it up and went to bed. But I thought there was time.
This is what she posted:
I started the conversation by letting her know that the Komen Foundation replaced funding for Planned Parenthood. She responded with that being too bad. I knew it was just going to get worse. What gets under my skin is not her personal belief in being Pro-Life. It’s the fact that she has to PUSH her beliefs very forcefully on other people both in life and the internet.
Personally, I would never have an abortion. But I don’t believe that my convictions should dictate what another woman should do. I also am a patient of Planned Parenthood. Her facts are wrong even from her own listed sources. Abortions aren’t their primary source of income. I’m not saying that it’s not a fundamental service they provide, but all the other services they do generate more revenue than abortions do. In fact, the Planned Parenthood I go to doesn’t even offer abortion services, and oftentimes for low income people, it's the only place one can get affordable care for something as simple as a UTI. Anyway:
20 minutes later, I see the clock and I’m not surprised to see it’s past eleven; I knew I was losing myself in this conversation. It was a pointless conversation. I know I’m not going to change her mind and she’s not going to change mine. It’s driving a wedge into our relationship and it's counterproductive.
I tell myself to stop this and go to bed, like I should have at eleven o’ clock. I know that I am late. Now, I have a dilemma. I could just not say anything to Sir and hope he doesn’t ask me what time I went to bed. I could outright lie later and avoid getting into trouble. I’ve thought about this before. I’d never had any real cause to lie but I thought about what would happen when inevitably I’d be late for this simple task. I could have sent him my goodnight message at eleven and simply stayed up (also another lie). But I didn’t. Lying doesn’t help anyone, it would weaken our relationship, and in a small way I do want to atone and own up for my infraction. So I text him and tell him that I want to be honest and that I was just only now getting into bed. He messages me back saying that he understands and that we’ll talk about it tomorrow (today).
I am now a little nervous. I am wondering what exactly this conversation will consist of. I am wondering if I will be punished for this offense. And honestly, I realize now that I will be disappointed if I am not punished. It’s not that I WANT to be punished or that this was some deliberate planned attempt on my part to be disobedient. It’s just that I think Sir goes too lightly on me sometimes. I am wondering if he will say something like, “Since you’ve not really been late, and you were honest and upfront with me, I am willing to overlook this as long as you’re more diligent in the future”. He could say this; it’s his decision and his prerogative. But I know inside I’ll be let down if this turns out to be the case. I suppose I feel that in order for me to hold myself to a higher standard, he must also hold me to a higher standard and make me accountable if I am not up to par.
We’ll see what happens tonight.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
I just finished Crossed, which is part of the Matched Trilogy by Ally Condie. In this series, Society is overtly ruled by a Big Brother government that controls and watches everything in really interesting ways. Culture has been reduced to 100 items each. 100 poems; 100 paintings, etc. People, even those who agree with Society in general, have to censor themselves on a daily basis to ensure self-preservation. The themes of this book wormed their way into my brain, and I started relating them to my relationship with Sir.
– Words –
The main character in this book, Cassia, holds to words as being very precious. She spends most of this book thinking and dreaming about choosing her words carefully for when she’ll reunite with her love. I think about the words that Sir and I choose to use for our relationship. Words that I am comfortable with, and words that I am not comfortable with. Words that I choose to say, and words that I sometimes forget to say. For example, the use of the word “Sir” in our relationship is very complex. It’s something that he requests, and I agree with and choose to do. I am comfortable with this word. I enjoy using it; every time I choose to say it; its like I’m re-choosing our type of relationship and our special commitment to each other. It puts me into the right frame of mind, and reinforces my role in my head. Yet, sometimes I forget to say this word. I have seen much improvement with myself with this word, true, but I still forget from time to time. His reminders get me back on track.
Lately, I’ve tried using it more and more, even when he’s not in my presence. I use it here, for example. I also use it when I text him, or email him. I feel that choosing to use those words help me strengthen where I should be, and our respective roles. It makes me feel helpful, and more submissive.
Another word I am comfortable with is the use of “mine” and “yours”. He often tells me, “You are mine”, and I agree: “I am yours”. However, I’m not yet comfortable with the word “owned”. It’s odd in that the concepts are essentially the same, but the words somehow make it different in my head. I am not property. I am not chattel. But being his… well somehow that is something else entirely. It makes me feel precious in a way that being owned doesn’t.
– Censorship –
Another theme of this book is censorship. People censor themselves from the government, from other citizens, from family. It makes me think of how often I censor myself. In all honesty, the only person that gets to see every single side of me, is Sir. Even with my closest friends, there is always something I am keeping back. Something I think they might not understand about myself; harsh truths that might hurt their feelings; just something. Even with Sir, I do restrain myself – he does see all sides of me, but its not without reservation. Sometimes I think it’s more for a desire not to get myself into trouble; but it’s still there. I do hold back a bit when angry, or I try to give a more diplomatic opinion to him that I would with others; I can be a bit of a fireball. I am trying to work on breaking those walls down a little bit – it probably does neither of us a real service if he never gets to see what I’m truly capable of in expression and deed. But I do feel good that out of all people, I trust him the most, and I show him the most of myself. The things that embarrass me, my insecurities; those things that turn my heart to ice at the thought of anyone “finding out” - these are the things that I share with him.
It’s odd that what I do keep is essentially the level my vicious temper can take if unchecked.
But it’s good that he’s the one keeping me in check.
I also think about how I censor this side of myself from the world, essentially. It bothers me that I have to hide something that I feel has made me so happy. It's made me a better person. But most people just don't understand. I hide this side of myself in order to keep my job; I've no doubt that it would affect my career for me to be public about this. I censor what I would normally say in front of others. A joke I would make is reduced to a knowing glance between Sir and me. I censor myself when asked simple questions like, "So what did you guys do last night?". It's true that in any relationship, I wouldn't be completely forthcoming when talking about private matters in my relationship, but I suppose I more keenly feel the strain of keeping things private now, than I did before.
We even censor ourselves from the kink community. Sir and I have decided to go to our first munch. There is a woman going who I have met a few times in "real life", so I feel more comfortable attending than I have before, though I still feel some nervousness. At the same time we saw this munch, we saw another one given at a location that Sir frequents very often. He was so surprised that the proprietor was one of "us". And despite this sounding like an extremely cool event, he has decided against us going - he does not wish to "out" us in front of so many people that he knows, even though by being there, it probably means that they too, have similar interests. Written like that, it does sound a bit silly. And yet, I completely understand. What we do is our business, and it's our business who we choose to share things with. There are certain people that I would not wish to mesh into my lifestyle, even if they "get it". So although I am a tiny tiny bit sad at not attending this munch, I completely understand his decision not to attend.
I hope the munch we decided to go to is as good as everyone makes them out to be.