Thursday, May 19, 2011
Fears of Being Too Open
I was excited to have recognized someone (there are only 2 people on my account that I actually know) and was extremely close to sending a friend request when I had a moment of not-quite panic.
How well do I know this person? Is there the potential for this to somehow come back and bite me in the ass?
I try to keep my kinky life pretty separate from my vanilla life. People are just not understanding about this sort of thing. I chose to share this side of myself with my best friend, and even she really doesn’t get it, and it’s actually been pretty difficult between us at times as a result. So, I’m cautious. I’m also mindful of the people out there who have had enormous difficulties in their professional and personal lives because they’d been “outed”. I’m not as concerned about personal contacts being aware as I am for my professional life. Yes, it would bother me if certain people knew of my proclivities. It’s very personal, and it’s just not their business. Yes, it would suck. I would be lying if said that I don’t have some kind of shame/embarrassment issues attached to my wants and desires (and it was pretty difficult for me to admit that just now), so for the world to know, that would be awful. It’s also not something I would want to have to explain to, say, my mother or father for example. That’s just awkward and embarrassing. But, my family and friends would either accept it or get over it. Those that didn’t could step to the side, because they’re obviously not people I’d want to associate with. So, it would bother me more if it affected my career, because it has a greater potential for damage at this time. For my employer, or potential employers to be privy to this information… the thought actually makes my belly tighten with anxiety.
I stopped just before sending this person a friend request because I thought there was the potential for them to somehow out me and negatively impact my life, because they know my real identity. Now, this is definitely hugely unfair to this person. In all likelihood, this person has no interest in doing any such thing, and I’m being pretty egotistical to think that they have nothing else better to do with their life than to destroy mine. It’s also sad to say that I was thinking that someone else who follows this lifestyle, who should understand the stigmas and difficulties attached at times would go out of their way to hurt someone in this lifestyle as well.
And yet… I still can’t bring myself to click on that little button.